a series of open letters

dear congress or the executive branch (since you have more power than constitutionally allowed),

guess what. bailouts dont work. they never have. give ford the bridge loan on condition of the other twos collapse. thats it. stop wasting our money. stop. stop. stop.

i know youre just going to say that filing for bankruptcy is harder now because of the scarcity, that america will lose nearly a million jobs. bullshit. we will just lose a million jobs owned by american companies. we need to get used to the fact that there is a world economy, it is all globalized. i really dont think factory workers care whether their ceos are japanese or from the us. i think they just want their jobs and a little assurance that theyll be able to keep them through retirement.



dear worshippers of obama (especially those on msnbc),

he is not a god. please dont set him up to disappoint us all.



dear conspiracy theorists,

obama is not the antichrist. hes just a half black kid with some ideas a lot of americans like the sound of.



dear gm,

in reference to that first letter, we all hate you more than we hate congress. fuck you. buy chrystler and give it a go or sell yourself for a loss. you brought this shit on yourself, and if i see you back in congress in april begging for money, i will personally see to it that you are all forced into poverty. take some fucking responsibility for yourselves.



dear citizens of zimbabwe,

im shouting as loud as i motherfucking can for you. no one else wanted to join until recently. i cant promise that help is on the way, but i can promise that i will do my best to never lose my voice. and i can promise i will not stop shouting until you can cast a vote . i will not stop shouting until you get proper medical attention. i will not stop shouting until you have a responsible government with your best interests at heart.



dear citizens of southern sudan,

no one learned from darfur. im not even sure you know the crisis that is about to befall you. i shout for you too.



dear government of the peoples republic of china,

please do not neglect basic safety in your rush to become a megapower. please do not assume you have carte blanc. america wont do shit, but your own people will. beware of public opinion. also, i seriously love you guys. want to go out for dinner sometime?



dear countries of colombia, venezuela, nicaragua, and mexico,

im not stupid. bushs administration may be incompetent in relations in the americas, but i have a sneaking suspicion that bill richardson may be able to get a few things changed. so watch the fuck out, because i send articulate letters to politicians, and politicians enforce sanctions on countries that dont crack down on the thugs selling drugs from your country.



dear incoming obama administration,

do not neglect the issue i addressed above. you know its as big a security issue as 'terrorism.'



dear elizabeth,

i hope youre not waiting for some twist of fate to bring us together again. i stopped last week.